Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
