How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
