a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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