oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
