i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
