make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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