I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
