So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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