I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
why do cheetos always look like penises
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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