Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
