I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
