apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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