i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize