The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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