oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
