That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
