all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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