i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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