She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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