and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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