Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Boobs speak an international language.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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