You're so nebulous sometimes
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
