her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
