I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
