Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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