please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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