Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
