She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
