Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize