Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
