You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
