cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
