My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Boobs speak an international language.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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