I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
