Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
