Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
