my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
