My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Floor bacon is actually really good
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize