dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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