Your mouth is God's brothel.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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