Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize