I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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