there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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