Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
