May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
