Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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