hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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