I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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