If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
