I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
