You smell like a Billy Joel song
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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