If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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