I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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