Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
