He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
