the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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