The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
