Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
