I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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